731 days – two years – alcohol free today. No, I didn’t do Dry January two years ago and just kept doing it. I wasn’t “sober curious.” I didn’t just all of a sudden NOT want to drink.
I knew I probably needed to “fix” my drinking, but I was pretty pissed off and bitter about it, actually. I thought about a cool, pale glass of white wine every day, especially at the end of the day and my typical “happy” hour, and every time I went out for a nice lunch or saw a photo of a beach lounge chair. Every sports game outing, every meal with friends, every social event. Why couldn’t I just drink like a “normal person”?
After I stopped drinking, I didn’t lose a single pound despite eating and exercising the same way I did before. I didn’t really notice feeling any different. My anxiety lessened a bit in some ways, but other things going on in my life ratcheted up my stress, so net/net things were about the same. As the calendar pages turned, every new month I would think maybe THIS month I could try to drink moderately.
So why did I stick with it, avoiding alcohol completely?
Because without the fog of alcohol, I slowly came to the painful realization that over the past thirty years I had damaged the most important relationships in my life.
And I finally had to stare that in the face. By putting alcohol down, I took control over my life and my choices.
It wasn’t like flipping a switch. I just made a commitment to myself to stop drinking for one month…then two. And slowly I realized the truth that alcohol is simply not good for me. It numbs me out and interferes with my being able to be present, and damages my relationships with the people I love.
I dug deep into research about the neuroscience of alcohol’s effect on my brain, and it really made sense to me. Understanding the science and data was the key to my staying committed to not drinking. At first, it was really hard for me to put a “label” on what my abstinence from alcohol meant for me. Then I came across a definition for “recovery” that resonated deeply:
“Recovery is a process of change through which individuals improve their health and wellness, live a self-directed life, and strive to reach their full potential.”
That made all the difference for me.
So, yep. I’m in recovery. It’s still not easy, but I’ve made peace with it (most days).
This is a personal decision solely for me, and it doesn’t affect my spending time with friends and family who are able to enjoy wine and drinks – it’s still fun for me to be at the party This is simply about my recognizing that after years of bad decisions, I want everything I do now to serve one thing …being my best self in my continued recovery.