When my kids were little, one of our favorite bedtime books was “If You Give a Mouse a Cookie” by Laura Numeroff … a hilarious story with twist upon twist, something like: if you give a mouse a cookie, then he’ll be thirsty and need a glass of milk … if you give him the glass of milk, then he’ll need to wash his whiskers” and on and on. Sort of like how bedtimes – and life – go with kids in general!
If I was writing MY kids’ bedtime story, it would go something like this …
When your kids beg you for a puppy, and you live on a budget month to month, in a 1500 sq ft apartment, just say NO!
When they cry and beg, just say no. If you have to, get them a cat. Two cats are even better, if you can swing it. It doesn’t matter if one is feral and never domesticates, you just do it! Go with it and let him live in the closet. Cats are easier and you can leave them for a weekend getaway with a litterbox and the upstairs neighbor to do “health and welfare” checks and fill up the food and water bowls. You don’t have to take them out four times a day or make sure they get exercise. Even more, you don’t have to cringe every time the doorbell rings and they bark at the highest decibel level possible.
Or … you won’t have to find a good rescue litter that was fostered by your oldest daughter’s friend’s family so you know they had the best possible start in their little fluffy lives. You won’t have to worry about picking a name because the SPCA named the whole damn litter of the world’s cutest puppies after Flintstones characters and your kids don’t want to change it from Pebbles to Penelope.
And … your youngest daughter won’t have to train it to sit, or lie down, or … well, that’s it, really. You won’t have to hire a puppy psychologist because she shakes like a leaf and is completely traumatized every time a stranger comes in the room, and you can’t have people over for six months until she figures it out. You won’t have to go for an “interview” at a puppy daycare to make sure she has the right temperament to fit in with the rest of the dogs, and you won’t cry when you leave because you’re worried she didn’t “pass.” You won’t find the #1 best puppy sitter to house-sit when you are out of town, who also happens to be a dog trainer and helps acclimate your little Nervous Nellie to the great big world and saves you another year of puppy psychologist bills.
You’re catching on … it’s like puppy-PTSD …
You won’t have to tape your daughter’s homework papers back together after they are torn to bits by your own in-home canine paper shredder (at least she didn’t eat it), or pay hundreds of dollars to the vet for lab tests to discover the cause of explosive puppy diarrhea after it turns out she ate three chocolate Hershey Kisses off of the roof of the Christmas gingerbread house on the dining room table. OMG already!
You won’t have to be grateful that the only time she actually obeyed the command “COME” is that moment when she was at the open kitchen door, staring down a snake curled up on the mat, and realize that she kept it from coming in the house (which you wouldn’t even have noticed and it could have ended up hiding ANYWHERE IN THE HOUSE AND YOU WOULDN’T HAVE KNOWN!).
If you can just resist that cute little canine cupcake … you won’t have to train her to accept her new spot to sleep (NOT your bed) when you get serious with your new love (which you didn’t see coming and, therefore, thought who cares if she sleeps on your bed every night?).
You won’t have to give her not one but TWO treats every time she asks to go outside to do her business because you are so thrilled that she finally figured it out, is no longer messing up the carpets, and you just want to keep a good thing going. You won’t have to apologize every time she starts barking when your house guests walk back in the room because her brain is the size of a walnut and she keeps forgetting that she just met them. You won’t have to squeeze into the corner of the couch because she is stretched out full length on the middle cushion and just looks so darn adorable that you don’t have the heart to move her.
Maybe, more importantly, you won’t have to be accused of posting too many puppy pics and fluffy dog videos or projecting human qualities on your four-footed friend … and of, frankly, being a tad obsessed. My girlfriend even calls it “puppy porn,” for heaven’s sake!
And for sure, you won’t have to hold her tight when you miss your family and she is the only one who hears you sniffling and knows something is wrong and starts whimpering at your feet until you pick her up.
But if you do (I mean, in a moment of delusional weakness) promise your kid a puppy … you’ll be glad you did. Because she’ll turn out to be yours.